hating God
I never thought I'd hate God. But that's a complete lie. I love and hate God in a sentence. Always have and always will. Today I did again. The truth is that I'm really scared of being far from God. I'm afraid of not heeding his advice and not being in his presence. This is the honest truth. I'm terrified of being cut off from, pardon me, communing with God.
I've been really tired of being Chrisitian. As much as being amongst Christians yields many benefits - discipleship and the like, even when you didn't ask for it, being in the Christian community transforms entire beings from ordinary to weird. Starting from small, such as language to big - the change of perspectives, being Christian and being with Christians changes a person inside out, whether the persons chooses to be or not.
I do not discredit the good of being in a Christian community. I've personally healed from depression from being with them and being intimately healed by their presence. As the old adage goes, familiarity breeds contempt. I have issues with overidentifying with my Chrisitian identity.
To start off with, I hate all that Christian lingo. Like what? Instead of addressing your friend as er, a friend, the Christian says 'sister' or 'brother'. Whenever there's a problem, give it over to God, ask for his advice. Be quick to forgive, don't rage. Don't get worked up, what's the point, just give it to God. Well, I'm human and I have emotions, and dammit, I'm not not going to get worked up and you have no right to deny me my right to get upset over somebody's offense. Wasn't it one our great Chrisitian brothers who said, 'don't talk to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you do not understand.' (CS Lewis)
The problem with overidentifying with our Chrisitian identity, apart from creating a make believe world where everything seems to work through prayer, which is absolute nonsense, is that we separate the real world from ourselves.
Charlene: I've decided to stop writing about this topic because God has to deal with me inside. The reason I feel so strongly about this issue, whatever you may call it - dichotomy of Chrisitianity, finding the radical middle etc, is because I feel it is time for me to get out of church. Not quit church but go out into the world to tell other people about Jesus. Be friends with the friendless, the widowed, the orphaned. Show them the river when their mouths are thirsty. I think recognising this call would be impossible without getting angry with church.
Well.
Pray with me that I will rely on God to help me through this. Been getting into scuffles at home with mum and dad, again. Gosh I think I'm way past the age to rage against them. Haha...but yes. Dad said that I should know better because I 'read the Gospel'. Why Dad? I'm human too. Guess it's what I do to clean up my mess that makes the difference. Yes Jesus, help me please.
I've been really tired of being Chrisitian. As much as being amongst Christians yields many benefits - discipleship and the like, even when you didn't ask for it, being in the Christian community transforms entire beings from ordinary to weird. Starting from small, such as language to big - the change of perspectives, being Christian and being with Christians changes a person inside out, whether the persons chooses to be or not.
I do not discredit the good of being in a Christian community. I've personally healed from depression from being with them and being intimately healed by their presence. As the old adage goes, familiarity breeds contempt. I have issues with overidentifying with my Chrisitian identity.
To start off with, I hate all that Christian lingo. Like what? Instead of addressing your friend as er, a friend, the Christian says 'sister' or 'brother'. Whenever there's a problem, give it over to God, ask for his advice. Be quick to forgive, don't rage. Don't get worked up, what's the point, just give it to God. Well, I'm human and I have emotions, and dammit, I'm not not going to get worked up and you have no right to deny me my right to get upset over somebody's offense. Wasn't it one our great Chrisitian brothers who said, 'don't talk to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you do not understand.' (CS Lewis)
The problem with overidentifying with our Chrisitian identity, apart from creating a make believe world where everything seems to work through prayer, which is absolute nonsense, is that we separate the real world from ourselves.
Charlene: I've decided to stop writing about this topic because God has to deal with me inside. The reason I feel so strongly about this issue, whatever you may call it - dichotomy of Chrisitianity, finding the radical middle etc, is because I feel it is time for me to get out of church. Not quit church but go out into the world to tell other people about Jesus. Be friends with the friendless, the widowed, the orphaned. Show them the river when their mouths are thirsty. I think recognising this call would be impossible without getting angry with church.
Well.
Pray with me that I will rely on God to help me through this. Been getting into scuffles at home with mum and dad, again. Gosh I think I'm way past the age to rage against them. Haha...but yes. Dad said that I should know better because I 'read the Gospel'. Why Dad? I'm human too. Guess it's what I do to clean up my mess that makes the difference. Yes Jesus, help me please.
posted by Bunny at 4:54 PM
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