retreating (last june)

Confused as I am, I try to find purpose and meaning for writing and in particular, writing for a Christian magazine set up by a close friend. Was I taking the opportunity to show off and grab attention becaus I was so sorely deprived of it while growing up, or did I do it for higher reasons above and beyond myself.

I have no idea.

Although I can say that I surely do have a vain, narcissistic streak in me, this affliction has its benefits. These self-indulgent literary exercises over the years have more or less birthed a little scribbler in me with some ability to make sense of something with words. Especially after being redeemed by the Son of God and having Holy Spirit maketh me a slave to do its bidding, my abilities can be used to preach good news, encourage and strengthen those around me. They can be vessels of peace, love, joy and gasp, salvation.

Finally, someone can be a naked flame in a darkened room. Counter-current, swimming upstream; against the wind.

So if I am truly called to this divine line of work then my tools of communication,i.e. my words should be ones of exquisite quality - refined, sharp, effective. it sould be utter embarassment to stumble over grammar, spelling, tense...

Still, my faith needs fortification, my flesh demands restraint, my being begs for submission to one not myself. Lord, help me.