black mood
being redeemed from unforgiveness.
This is my journey. Let no one repeat my mistake.
'But when I unfurl myself from a fetal position and uncurl my way out of bed, there is still an ocean breaking inside my brain. The brief relief of seeing other people when I leave my room turns into a desperate need to be alone, and then being alone turns into a terrible fear that I will have no friends, I will be alone in this world and in my life. I will eventually be so crazy from this black wave, which seems to be taking over my head with increasing frequency, that one day I will just kill myself, not for any great, thoughtful existential reasons, but because I need immediate relief, I need this horrible big muddy to go away right now.' - taken from 'Prozac Nation' by Elizabeth Wurtzel
And so I struggled for a long time wondering what was wrong with me. Or maybe it was the people around me. If only they weren't so caught up with their Christian business and paid more attention to me I wouldn't feel so neglected. If only they stopped speaking in codes and spoke English for once, I would feel like I was having a conversation. If only the only Christian guy I tried to date didn't break up with me and gave me a decent explanation for his departure, I wouldn't feel like everything to do with God and church was a big fiasco.
But I guess there comes a point where anger screws up so much of one's life that action needs to be taken to prevent a catastrophy. No one needs an event to completely fuck up what took tremendous effort of will to build up. My life ever since I was born again was no less a miracle and I didn't want yet another suicide trip to screw it up again.
Confession is an effort of will. A needful one if life rolls out in front of me beyond sight. A better option to one dreadful day after another of self orchestrated nihilism. I would rather choose to admit my wrong than to live in disobedience. No thank you to all the disgusting crap that I sink into when I refuse to forgive those who trespassed against me. Forgive, let it go before it takes me down with it. I'd rather suffocate a saint.
'For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.'
This is my journey. Let no one repeat my mistake.
'But when I unfurl myself from a fetal position and uncurl my way out of bed, there is still an ocean breaking inside my brain. The brief relief of seeing other people when I leave my room turns into a desperate need to be alone, and then being alone turns into a terrible fear that I will have no friends, I will be alone in this world and in my life. I will eventually be so crazy from this black wave, which seems to be taking over my head with increasing frequency, that one day I will just kill myself, not for any great, thoughtful existential reasons, but because I need immediate relief, I need this horrible big muddy to go away right now.' - taken from 'Prozac Nation' by Elizabeth Wurtzel
And so I struggled for a long time wondering what was wrong with me. Or maybe it was the people around me. If only they weren't so caught up with their Christian business and paid more attention to me I wouldn't feel so neglected. If only they stopped speaking in codes and spoke English for once, I would feel like I was having a conversation. If only the only Christian guy I tried to date didn't break up with me and gave me a decent explanation for his departure, I wouldn't feel like everything to do with God and church was a big fiasco.
But I guess there comes a point where anger screws up so much of one's life that action needs to be taken to prevent a catastrophy. No one needs an event to completely fuck up what took tremendous effort of will to build up. My life ever since I was born again was no less a miracle and I didn't want yet another suicide trip to screw it up again.
Confession is an effort of will. A needful one if life rolls out in front of me beyond sight. A better option to one dreadful day after another of self orchestrated nihilism. I would rather choose to admit my wrong than to live in disobedience. No thank you to all the disgusting crap that I sink into when I refuse to forgive those who trespassed against me. Forgive, let it go before it takes me down with it. I'd rather suffocate a saint.
'For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.'
posted by Bunny at 1:10 AM
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